It has been nearly ten months since my second miscarriage, and almost 6 months since the investigations in the cause of the miscarriages came up with nothing. After a particularly painful period last week, I made an appointment and saw my GP today. There's not much to be done about the period pain (since all the options involve some sort of contraceptive), but she has referred us for fertility testing, and apparently we will be eligible for IVF on the NHS.
I'm feeling really conflicted now. Mostly I feel like crying. I still feel like a massive failure. I'm also scared. We are finally moving beyond the realms of "normal" and what is covered by the pregnancy books (at least this gives me something new to research).
Part of me is horrified by the idea of IVF. This really surprises me, as I had always thought IVF was a really great medical advancement. As a teenager, my mother was the vice principal at my school for a couple of years, and so I was on the wrong end of teasing on that account. One of the things they used to say was that she was a lesbian. (I didn't see why this should be an insult, but I knew that in the small country town in which we lived it was about the worst thing that could be said. I knew one guy who was hospitalised after he was assaulted by a group of kids based on rumours that he was gay). Once I replied to my tormentors "but what about me?" And they claimed that I was a test-tube baby. This took me greatly by surprised, as I had never (and still haven't) thought of that being as bad thing, but they clearly thought that was the most hurtful thing they could say at the time. Luckily for me, the group of kids took off at that point, and left me alone in my slack-jawed silence. The point here is that I have always had an intrinsic positive emotional response to IVF, so I am really surprised that my immediate reaction this morning wasn't simply relief at there being a way forward.
Right now, it all just seems like too much effort. I don't even really know what is involved, and maybe I will feel better when I do. I have never thought that I would be hung up on the idea of a "natural" process, although based on my ongoing feelings of failure, maybe I have been. In the depths of my grief, I have told myself that I would do whatever it took. My head is still telling me that this is an option worth investigating, it is just taking a while for my heart to get on board.
I have been given surprisingly little information (none, at this stage). I've been given an appointment for a blood test, and my husband has to make an appointment for some testing too. Maybe we will find out more then. This process is so slow, as it was when they were investigating my miscarriage. It was weeks between the GP visit and the specialist appointment, with no information. And then it was weeks between the testing and the results. And then I was left with nothing but a phone number for a charity that offered counselling (which I was never brave enough to call) and an instruction to call the specialist back when I was pregnant again. Each person I have dealt with has individually been very nice and understanding, but the whole process feels so impersonal. It doesn't leave me in any way confident that this time will be any better. And that makes me want to cry again. Still, at least we have the NHS. I can't even imagine what this would be like in the US.
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